I was afraid to be seen—Here’s what changed…
A chapter in my shadow work story on how I overcame self-sabatoge, avoidance and shame.
Written by Amanda Kleinik
In the beginning, I didn’t know I was even changing… becoming something ethereal—Real. Vibrationally upgrading...
This is merely a chapter in my own story. A page in my book where the heroine undergoes an inner transformation from sabotage to aligned authenticity. It unfolds slowly… like when a caterpillar goes into a chrysalis.
I was like a kaleidoscope of emotional, physical, and spiritual authenticity awaiting to be seen and it has come bursting from me as I’ve learned to accept the various versions of myself I found walking this path of darkness with nothing but a torch and a key to guide me.
This transformation didn’t really begin rooting into place until around
October 2023
but long before then I started to plant seeds into the garden I’d one day tend to.
The only way I can help you understand is for you to
just see…
So I’ve created this super cool commentaried film reel to take you on a journey. Follow along by clicking the arrows an you too will be introduced to various versions of me…
I hope you enjoy.
Welcome Seeker! My name is Amanda and I'll be your guide this evening...
The story you're reading spans from October 2023 to the present.
It is, in fact, a work in progress...
As a guide I'll forever be a student. So, with quill to fingertips, my story begins...
Along for the ride will be my ride or die. My baby boy.
My best friend. My everything, My son John.
The rest of my family will also make a few cameo's along the way too, okay?
So, with my family in tow, Let's go on a journey through my Becoming.
Because family will always be my utmost priority as a homeschooling momtreprenure.
Even on days I too experience human suffering.
It is a true test to find beauty within the present moment,
and to be full of excitement for the unknown.
In October 2023, I took my first trip to MN with John.
We flew across the country to find inspiration, joy, and love.
At home, my oldest Korah had been putting me through test after test.
showing me where I'd been unhealed or ready to take responsibility.
Being forged by this fire, I was forced to find my purpose. My essence for being.
At the time I didn't really believe I could do this life coach thing...
but, I had little me's looking up at me to succeed. (Thank You Kairi!)
That's when AEH System LLC transformed into Sacred Shadow Coaching.
I visualized a place that people could feel safe to be where they were at.
A wellness center that embodies complete mind, body, spirit integration.
A place to heal, be safe, and free to live authentically.
I put on a brave face and set out to truly make a difference.
I acted ready. I took a Gene Keys course, and learned Notion Databasing.
I created my own website and ripped it to shreds because it was "too pink"... Perfectionism
I gave too many fucks about how I would be perceived.
and not enough fucks about just being more authentically me.
I thought I started to break down the limitations that held me back.
but instead I crafted in the name of dissociation out of avoidance for living in toxicity.
I did the best I could to see the err of my ways to truly upgrade.
Even if my laundry at the time was piled in the back of my car.
I was avoiding responsibility for myself, a lesson that later lit a fire in me.
I did my laundry, and I rebuilt what I'd torn down on my website.
I took a leap of faith and started posting on socials just for me; "trying" was cringy
Then something major shifted.
My best friend at the time and I took a major break. (the Ross to my Rachel)
I made a whole blanket in like 10 days.
and the universe gifted me 2 cats at the hands of my oldest Korah stealing them from her father's house.
Did I say stealing? I meant saving.
We saved these babies, and they saved me, because at the time I was dead on the inside.
This break taught me a lot. And the cats. Who's name is Garfield by the way.
This was Odin. He was so small and fragile. My heart connected to him immedeately.
Intermission. Fun fact, I have Benign Positional Vertigo, and this was one of the tests.
Anyways, Odin didn't make it and I got into a car accident.
When will I learn? Probably never.
I am mother.
Even when it takes a toll on my earthly being, or my car. Anyways, I set to create.
and made things I never posted about.
I was, in fact, a master of avoidance.
and I was bonding with Garfield, can't you see?
When I tell you this cat healed a piece of me, I am not kidding.
I started to find joy and learn to fill my own cup up first.
By the time I turned 33, I'd figured out what aligned with me and what didn't.
I just wasn't ready to take action yet, so I was given another gift.
Executive functioning and Balance in the form of ADHD medication.
I was harmonizing experiencing true balance for the first time.
and it really let me shine! Even my family could see a difference.
We celebrated the little things like they were big!
and set out to be more responsible and grounded in my being.
My light got brighter.
and so did theirs.
if even at the time I wasn't really seeing the big picture.
That it was only my own actions stopping me.
Though, I wasn't quite yet fully grounded. I was a wobbling toddler.
Even if I was a little bit scared of my own power, still.
I was ashamed of the environment I'd accepted for myself.
So instead of being scared,
We embraced it, and made a plan to change it.
I learned about micro habits, reality transurfing , and energy healing!
and started changing my life everyday.
This is about the time I started rapidly jumping realities.
Every day became a wild ride based on my own intentional thoughtforms.
The channels started changing so fast.
Sometimes, my family didn't quite understand me.
I transformed and I became loving instead of ashamed. Happy instead of angry.
I started to trust instead of limit myself, after all what you consume you become.
I started to deep breathe and co-regulate with my babies.
and I even I anchored into an amazing community.
Family and I got closer, and I offered a depth I'd never had access to before.
Creating became less dissociative
and more of a meditation.
I connected with my minime
and did things for her I only WISHED my parents would have done for me.
ALL THE WHILE STILL REFUSING TO SEE
that it was my action that would anchor this newfound responsibility.
So, the universe gifted me time to breathe.
Space away from being a mom
and into learning who just AMANDA was.
and low in behold I found so much joy bursting inside my soul.
I found excitement instead of anxiety.
Joy in being messy.
and true laughter and love in being authentically me.
the more I chose my own desires
ther more I was able to see
that this version me
and this one
and this one
were all living moments in life
simultaneously. Limitlessly all at once.
So what was stopping me from getting the life I want?
was it trust?
no...
was it weed?
no...
was it fear?
no...
then what was it?
it was me!
I had always lived inside a box.
never allowing myself to truly FEEL
I'd hide my darkness from the world
and only show them my moments of pure joy.
What's more authentic than being able to trust and believe in divinity. In the God within me.
I sprang to life.
Re-connected with my NOT SO EX bestie!
continued filling my cup up the right way.
and holding space for those who I felt once held me captive.
when really it was me.
I grew brighter and my light started to shine in my progeny.
I started to trust in signs and syncronicities.
I helped people who opened up doorways of shadows in me
and I prevailed.
I even started to livestream.
Navigating these newfound challenges with gratitude and grace.
I pulled my oldest out of the public school system.... again for the... I don't know.
and I stood up for myself.
It felt good to trust.
even if it was new.
I started posting all my adventures.
Just not quite into the habit of putting these stories on my website.
I learned to love myself enough
to never need love from a man
because I have always been enough.
and John knows that too.
Just you wait and see...
what's up next in my story...
after the storm passed and I got the chance to I look back at it all. The one thought that appeared in my was Taylor Swift’s lyrics “everything has changed”
seriously, thank you.
With gratitude bursting from my soul ✨ You being here means the world to me.
If you find yourself stuck in patterns of self-sabatoge, avoidance, and shameful thinking like I used to, I’d be honored to help guide you along the path of darkness with a torchlight and key.
You know where to find me.